I Wish I Was Tiger Woods’s Agent…

In everyday life there are heroes and villains.

In sports there are heroes and villains.

Then in wrestling you have the quintessential good guy shocking the wrestling world by turning “heel”.*

*I’m a old school wrestling mark, so you may see terms in this blog like mark, heel,kayfabe, face, work, and shoot.  Wikipedia them, I don’t feel like going into it*

Take Hulk Hogan for example.  We were so used to the red and yellow. The say your prayers and eat your vitamins.  The “I am a real American”.  The 24 inch pythons BROTHER!!!!.  We ate that up for a decade.  We never got tired of it.  Never. Ever.  It was odd seeing him in the WCW though, but he was still draped in the red and yellow and “practiced” the same “values”.  But.  Then.  Bash at The Beach.  We saw him turn “heel”.  And honestly my friends, that turn, in my opinion, is why Hogan is the greatest sports entertainer of all time.  If you kept up with WCW at the time, you know what I mean.

Now. On to the point of this blog.

I wish I was Tiger Woods’s agent.  I would have Tiger turn “heel” on all of sports.  Here he is, this nice Stanford grad who was playing a predominately white man’s game and being the absolute best at it, making lots of money, endorsement deals out the arse, and the best part about it…he’s Black/Asian, but he doesn’t really fuck with us like that and that’s what makes him (white) media’s darling.  They love him.  Tiger could do NO wrong.

Then…

BOOM!!!!1

We all saw what has transpired since Thanksgiving weekend.  No need to go into all of that.

Now. Enter.  MaxPtah.  Tiger Woods’s new agent.

I see all the endorsements beginning to waffle.

I see some of the players beginning to come out and talk about him.

I see his wife set for a divorce.

I see a few of the other players and other sports superstars come to his defense.

I see Tiger breaking down.

I see Tiger beginning to question a lot of stuff now.

I see Tiger needing…no wanting…to take time off.

(Knock on Tiger’s door)

Tiger: Oh, hey Max.

Me:  What up dude?

T: Not much.  Still down about all of this.

M:  Yo, son.  I got’chu.

T: Huh?

M: You wanna get back at all of these suckas, right?

T: Yeah, sure, of course!!!

M: Yo, you gonna have to listen to me and do all that I say…and not gripe and moan about it.

T: I don’t know Max.  You know I’m a control freak.

M:  The hell you are!!! You let them freaks control your life, but yo son, that’s besides the point.  Check it out….

So by this time I’ll tell him the plan.  He has to carry this out to the fullest.  Point. By. Point.  So instead of having me, his agent, have a statement ready to read to the media, I tell him he needs to have a big press conference.  With all members of the AP present, his wife and kids there, all of the other PGA Tour players, all of his endorsers, and even the bitches who screwed him over.  The statement that will be read out of his mouth will go like this:

(speech courtesy of Binlahab off OKS)

I’m tiger woods. I fucked up & messed over elin & for that im sorry. i love my kids & respect the hell outta her & she’ll always be well taken care of *turns to elin* baby im sorry, i hope one day you’ll understand.

*turns back to media*

now, back on my tiger shit. check it out. im winning everything. you bitches are NOT gonna take something away from me that im the best in the history of fucking mankind @. fuck that. im winning everything. & you know what else? im fucking hoes. plenty of em. better than you pencil necked assholes EVER dreamed. i fucked porn chicks & guess what? THEY LOVED IT. i put this blasian dick on their motherfucking mind.

know what else? im gonna make a SHIT load of money. a billion? fuck that im going for 2. lets summarize, im tiger. you aint. im fucking multiple hoes, in fact soon as i leave this bitch im gonna go dive headfirst into a bed fulla hoes. im gonna make a shitload of money and im going to win EVERY. FUCKING. TOURNAMENT. im gonnna stranglehold this shit. aint nobody winning shit til i retire. the end. aint no more to it now excuse me while i go have sex that you havent even imagined is possible. BITCHES.

*slams mic, leaves podium*

Me: *sheds tear*

Tiger then decides that’s its best that he takes an indefinite leave of absence from the game of golf.  No contact with anyone.  The endorsements start to fall.  Other players get full of themselves now seeing that Tiger isn’t around to smash hopes and dreams.  Elin is all over the tabloids and now has her own reality series.

Then.

(Knock on Tiger’s Door)

(Door Opens)

Me:  Ahhhh SH*T!!!!!!  Son…YOU.ARE.READY.  THEY.AINT.READY. So the Master’s is in a month so do you want me to….

T: (interrupts) no.  now is the time homie.  Phil Mickelson is having his press conference at 3:45 p.m.  It’s 3:43 now.  Let’s Go.

to be continued…